I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm too high and old for this...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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