Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
if only i could text you this smell
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
