Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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