the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She's like a pop up book from hell.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize