My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
