On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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