not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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