So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
