This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
