I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
