I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
