I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Fuck appropriateness.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
