i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
