When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
