Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
