My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
