Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
