Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You don't make any sense
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