so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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