i don't plan on having that self control this summer
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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