Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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