Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
