I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
