you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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