Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
