In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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