Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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