Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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