you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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