my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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