my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
