Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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