I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
