4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
