when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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