There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize