hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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