It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
