I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
