The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Boobs speak an international language.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
