i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
