remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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