listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
