Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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