the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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