I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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