who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
