dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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