i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
