i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
