you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
