I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
