Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Help. Why am I so naked?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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