I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
