and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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