I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize