im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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