I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
