Nicole vs. Life
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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