I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
