Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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