There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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