Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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