If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
