Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize