she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The Olympian is in my bed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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