Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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